Cut off at every pass... by the President.

Every single tube in the entire internet seems engorged over Obama's stop at Ray's Hell Burger in Arlington a few hours ago. Typical Obama-Adventure fare, definitely a fun little tidbit. But I'm here to give you the real story.

So I'm coming out of a final exam on zero sleep (due to said final exam) and my friends and I decide to get some food. Micah drives, and Steve and I are with him. We have to go pick up John at work. We can't get in front of his building, though, because of a police blockade that formed as we were pulling up to the intersection of 15th and H. John gets fed up and just walks to the car. We get through half of my Jimi Hendrix songs, and finally a motorcade starts going by.

It’s standard stuff after being at GW for a few years, and we assume it's Obama. We make a few impeachment jokes and declare his presidency a failure solely for holding us up from lunch. Finally, the motorcade, which was definitely Presidential in length, speeds north. Finally, we fight through traffic and head towards, you guessed it, Arlington. We had Ray's on the brain. I mean, we've been going to this place for months; Micah found it online. Get with the times, Obama.

We keep listening to music, cursing Obama jokingly out the open windows. John has to get back to work in a reasonable amount of time. I'm just exhausted. We're all starving.

And so, as I realize I've written everything so far in present tense (making this sentence problematic to say the least), we come around the bend into sight of the strip mall that Ray's is in. Or it would have been in sight if not for the huge crowd of people on the opposite corner, looking at it.

Finally it's in full view, and it's surrounded by SUV's and crime tape and secret service directing traffic. We all start yelling loudly. The general sentiment is “You gotta be kidding me” with a twinge of “Twice? Really?” The crowd laughs at us.

The parking lot is roped off, so we go in search of somewhere to stash the car. Finally we find a place behind the mall, and sneak around the side to see if we can still get in. Unfortunately, Obama (and Biden, apparently) had already left.

We duck around all the afterbirth of news teams and stunned customers engaging in that mutual-masturbatory act of the post-celebrity appearance interview. There is nothing to see at this point, and nothing to say except "He sat in this very chair" and "We were just sitting here eating and suddenly..."

No one asks for our story. We have the best one of all, but since we’re in line, it’s clear that we technically missed the appearance and therefore have nothing to say. This is what this post is for. We will be heard. Present tense became cumbersome paragraphs ago.

Right after I place my order, the guy at the register shows me the order slip he had written up for them. It’s pretty neat. Anyway we eat our burgers, as we always do, and BOY ARE THEY TERRIBLE! AND SO OVERPRICED! I MEAN, IN THIS ECONOMY? NO ONE SHOULD EVER GO TO THIS PLACE EVER! OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THERE'S GONNA BE A LINE OUT THE DOOR UNTIL HE'S OUT OF OFFICE! WE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GO AGAIN!

We have to duck out early, because like Obama, John has to get back to work. We drop John off and double back, west on Eye St. for a few blocks. Then traffic stops.

I squint ahead. Police cars blocking the road, two blocks west. Steve, Micah, and I flip out. Three times? Really, Obama? And what the hell kinda route is that? Did you stop at the Zoo, before AND after lunch? I mean, in this economy? With these gas prices? With the planet in the shape it's in? And most importantly, when I haven't slept since the weekend?

Micah puts it into park and reclines. We all close our eyes for a few minutes, until the honking from surrounding cars finally starts. Our long national nightmare is over. I get dropped off and sit down to write this story, starting it in the present tense and not realizing how long it’s going to end up being. I continue writing until there is nothing more to say. And now I will hit submit and take a nap.

Exercise in Contradiction

I was walking back from the movies with my friends tonight,and while passing the Watergate, a girl ran by us in gym shorts and an iPod (among other things). When she was out of earshot we made some derisive remarks about her weight. It passed the time, I guess. No amazing, earth-shattering jokes were made (leave the earth-shattering to her, right? Hey-o!) It got me thinking though.

Don't you hate seeing fat people run? It was an obvious joke to make, after catching someone running who didn't look like a runner. I guess we don't like it because it's unappealing to the eye. We'd prefer to only see beautiful, sweaty people in the best shape of their lives. We'd rather feel like we just accidentally walked through a low-carb beer commercial. But it's a fallacy. We should applaud fat runners and encourage such efforts. Exercise is a key component of weight loss and body tone, which are both key components of hotness. So in reality, it's not gross. It's a beautification project and it's happening right before our eyes. We should love that.

It's sort of like how most straight guys dislike seeing two men hook up. We should love that, and we should absolutely loathe lesbian sex of any kind. But the opposite is true, and it's anti-Darwinian. We applaud the version that takes two potential mates out of the equation and off the market. That's a net loss of 2 for the straight man. But we favor that over the scenario where two potential sexual rivals cancel each other out, increasing our own chances by 2, sort of like when Darth Vader crashed into the other TIE fighter in the Death Star trench. That collision allowed Luke to “blow this thing and go home.”

OK, bad example.

< / b u s h >

I tried to explain the contents of this post's title to a few people verbally and no one found it funny, so I guess it needs to be typed out.

As backstory: I had to learn a tiny bit of html code for this blog because of my footnote use. Footnotes aren't the cakewalk they usually are on Word. I have to personally type in a superscript command. It looks something like this, but if I type it exactly it'll just start doing superscript and not show up, so it's a little different. To get ¹ , I have to type < sup > 1 < /sup>. More or less. The first bit means "Start superscript" and the second, the one with the forward slash, means "End superscript". Again, more or less. I don't pretend to be an expert.

So, I present it to you again:

< / b u s h >

One of the sweetest letter/symbol combinations on the qwerty keyboard.


¹ - Not an actual footnote, just an example. Sorry for the false alarm. You can put your pants back on now.

Thoughts on Dewing the Dew (I hope you also like parentheses)

My dad called me from the grocery store this afternoon to see if I wanted anything. I had him get me some DMD (Diet Mountain Dew) because I like the flavor and the caffeine and the not 48 grams of sugar. Did you know that Diet Mountain Dew's second most prevalent ingredient behind carbonated water is concentrated orange juice? Delicious.

Anyway the shocking thing I found was this (not my picture):



They changed the logo! As if it wasn't modern enough! Abbreviations, in general, are OK (or Old Kinderhook) when used in common speech, although usually only when dripping with sarcasm (obvi). But putting it on a legitimate product is a little farther than I'm willing to go. Beyond the annoyance factor, there's the matter of clarity. Am I being sold Mountain Dew? Or is it Mutton Dew? Or Mitten Dew? Montanan Dew? Masturbation Dew? This is really no time to mince words; let's be exact.

Luckily, the most important aspect of the Mountain Dew logo remains. I am of course talking about the attempt by the Chinese Government to spur a Communist revolution within US borders using the very mechanisms of Capitalism itself. The irony of this plan seems to have far outstripped its effectiveness, but I should probably get on with it:



There it is, as stark and clear as the might of the Great People's Republic itself: when you flip the logo upside down, the name MAO stands out in the brightest and most obvious of REDS. I discovered this (again, ironically) while sitting in my Honors History of East Asia class in my senior year of high school. I was playing around with my empty bottle of the Dew when I nearly sprung from my desk in shock. Immediately, I raised my hand. Totally disrupting the lecture, I alerted the teacher to my discovery. I think people in my high school thought I was weird.

Adventures in Ordering Out

Any respectably unhealthy eater in DC knows the ins and outs of the delivery industry. From DC Snacks to Pizza Movers & Calzones, there are plenty of stories to go around. Maybe I'll keep a running tally of them.

Anyway one of my favorite options in any web-based ordering system is the option to leave "Additional Notes" for your order. Campusfood seems to do this for all of their clients. I like to have fun with my notes: sometimes I'll type something like "Keep up the good work" or "Throw some extra toppings my way if you feel like not charging me for it." It's worth a shot, right?

And Wingo's is one of my favorite delivery options. Their wings are great, but it's the fries that really push it over the top for me. Plus the prices. So this story in no way intends to disparage them.

I usually get regular, medium wings with ranch dipping. Classic. But it was suggested to me that I try the boneless wings (no extra charge). I was wary, to be sure. I've never seen a boneless chicken so something's not quite right in that equation, plus I do just fine with the regular ones and have never tried Wingo's boneless.

So, in a moment of trepidation, I entered the following (direct quote) into the Additional Notes area:
"if boneless wings are honestly not any good just give me regular"
and I sent my order on its way.

When my food finally arrived, I was still nervous about experiencing the bonelessness. I carefully opened the styrofoam, and lo and behold:

My wings, they had bones in them.

This gave me a good laugh. Whoever was processing the orders must have done some soul searching upon reading my note and admitted to his or herself that their boneless wings just weren't up to snuff.

Links of teh day

Did you know that there is a generation of Americans growing up right now who are being raised in an art-free vacuum? There are children in this country who, through no fault of their own, think the Star Wars prequels are acceptable. Also, they like overwrought, simplistic pseudo-rock that speaks to everyone and therefore no one. How are they to know better?

All of this is a shame, but I'm afraid there is nothing to be done about the phenomenon other than to make fun of it so it doesn't drive us mad. The following videos that I recently stumbled across represent a perfect storm of cultural bankruptcy. An absolute goldmine. If you don't laugh your ass off, these videos will probably make you really mad at me for wasting your time/angrying up your blood. So try to find them funny.

Anyway, it turns out that there are actually people in this world who found the relationship between Padme and Anakin in the prequels to be at all compelling, at all decently written or acted, or at all appropriate¹. And, as luck would have it, some of these same people also like really awful music, and like the love story enough to go out of their way to combine the two².

So I submit to you the following three videos. SEE HOW QUICK YOU CAN GUESS WHICH SONG'S WHICH! And on the first one, at least keep watching until the first chorus for some classic tunes and domestic abuse. Also feel free to play them all at the same time, just make sure to put a tarp down beforehand because your head will surely explode.







¹ - "Is Anakin Skywalker gonna have to force-choke a pregnant bitch on a volcano planet?" HOW IS CHOKING PREGNANT WOMEN ACCEPTABLE IN A STAR WARS FILM? SUBTLETY, LUCAS! Subtlety.
² - And these people aren't being ironic, either. I'm serious. And all the comments on these videos are like "omg anakin and padme 4ever"

Dude, remember blogging?

JOE PHONES IT IN

I'm home for Thanksgiving, with my huge and entertaining family, and there's plenty I could write about and all, but there isn't time for that now.

My mindset for this weekend has been heavily influenced by the Loom Factor. Looming over my head are over 40 pages of academic writing due in the next week, nearly half due on Monday. At present, the Loom Factor colors my reality.

SO, in lieu of making any sort of effort on this blog right now, here's a list I compiled the day Dick Cheney shot that one guy. The night of the event, I looked through the "Related Articles" for the story and picked my favorites. Don't ask me how I stumbled across this file; we all visit our C Drive's Memory Lane from time to time.

The Daily Show had it right that night when the punchline to every joke was a simple, literal description of the exact events as they had happened, because there was really no joke to tell that could have topped reality. Keep in mind these are all real headlines from real sources.

My Top 10 Headlines Involving Quail, Buckshot, and Vice Presidents from February 11th, 2006

1. Cheney to friend: Sorry I shot you
2. Cheney hunts quail and everyone else ducks
3. Open Season on Republicans: Cheney Shoots Colleague
4. How Did Dick Cheney Break the No.1 Rule of Hunting?
5. Dick Cheney Shoots Fellow Hunter?!?
6. Cheney Accidentally Bags Lawyer Out Of Season
7. Guns don't shoot people. Vice Presidents shoot people.
8. Cheney 'Scary,' Gun Control Activists Say
9. Attorney shot by Cheney had tough month
10. Cheney's got a gun